We have reached square one

Remarks as student-body president at the 2012 commencement of Holland High School, in Holland, Michigan.

Dearest members of the ever-so esteemed Class of 2012:

The confession I am about to make will no doubt shock you. I have kept this to myself for years, in fact, but the trust we’ve developed in these past few weeks assures me that my secret will be safe with you. Here it goes: I am not really a sports person. I don’t play sports. I don’t watch sports. I don’t even know how many quarterbacks are on our soccer team.

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